


The Meaning of Water

by WaterbearCosmonaut



Category: Free!
Genre: Episode Tag, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-15
Updated: 2014-09-15
Packaged: 2018-02-17 13:35:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2311472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WaterbearCosmonaut/pseuds/WaterbearCosmonaut
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rin takes Haruka on an impromptu trip to Australia to help him sort out his future.</p><p>Haruka realizes his future was right in front of him all along.</p><p>(Written in response to episode 11 of season 2)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Meaning of Water

**Author's Note:**

> After episode 11 of Free!, I took my feels to Tumblr and saw that the entire fandom was falling apart. Their feels compounded with my own, so I had to write something to make it all feel better.
> 
> Until episode 12, I'm assuming. 
> 
> First time I'm posting fic to the world, so fair warning. ;)

Haruka was floating through space. 

It was dark, nearly pitch, but light filtered in through the liquid void and twinkled all around him. This world wanted nothing from him, expected nothing of him. It caressed his entire body at once; an omnipresent companion. This world would always welcome him with open arms. It would never leave him.

His chest ached and his head spun from lack of oxygen. It was ridiculous, Haruka mused, that we begin our lives breathing water and then, in an instant, we lose that ability forever. Sometimes, Haruka fantasized that he could still do it, that he could retrain his lungs to take in the water once again and he would never leave it, and the water would never leave him.

Feeling his consciousness become hazy, Haruka pushed his feet against the bottom of the pool and breached the surface with a gasp, re-entering the chaos and uncertainty of the oxygen-infused world.

"I was about to jump in after you."

Rin's voice echoed across the empty pool hall. Haruka looked around to see Rin putting his shirt back on. When had Rin walked in? How long had Haruka been under?

"When I die, it won't be from drowning," Haruka said evenly and dipped his head back into the cool water, letting it slide the hair out of his eyes.

"You realize the hotel pool closed three hours ago, right? It's 1am," Rin said and sat at the edge of the pool, his legs dangling in the water. The pool hall was dark and supposedly closed, but the door had been unlocked and there had been no security walking about, so Haruka helped himself to the water. He swam toward Rin and placed his elbows on the edge of the pool.

"I'm not tired. I'm still on Japanese time."

"Australia's only an hour difference, idiot." Rin tsk'd as Haruka pulled himself out of the pool and sat an arm's length from his friend. "Anyway, we have an early day tomorrow. Practice with my old coach in the morning, and in the afternoon we'll-"

"What's the point?" Haruka interrupted. He'd heard enough about coaches and training to last a lifetime. Wasn't this trip supposed to be an escape from all that?

"What do you mean, 'what's the point'? Since when did you need a reason to swim?" Rin punctuated his words with a kick at the water.

"I don't," Haruka snapped. "Which is why I don't need a coach." The serenity Haruka had been feeling in the pool quickly faded and his fists clenched. "I don't need competitions or awards or scouts or universities, I-" Haruka caught himself. No. No more outbursts. Not after what he'd said to Makoto. Makoto...

Rin sighed and leaned back, his palms pressed to the floor behind him. "I think we all figured that out by now, Haruka," he commented dryly. "Just give it a shot. We're only here for a few days - don't throw a fit and waste this opportunity."

_Opportunity..._

"My opportunity or yours? Aren't I just here to push you harder? Make you better?" Haruka's eyes shifted toward Rin, Sousuke's words still ringing in his mind. He was a tool, and he was an idiot to think this trip was anything more than some fucked up way to get the freestyle prodigy back into the water to challenge Japan's rising swimming star. Rin was no better than Makoto - just out to use him and leave him.

"What the hell are you on about?" Rin said angrily but rolled his eyes rather than rise to the bait. "You're here because Makoto asked me to help you. Getting you out of Japan seemed like the best way."

"Makoto." Haurka's chest tightened and emotions pulled like a riptide under the waves. Anger. Betrayal. Regret. Loneliness.

Heartbreak.

But as anger was the least complicated emotion to deal with, Haruka stuck with it. "So he told you about our fight," he said, instantly mad (and embarrassed) that Makoto had brought anyone else into their business.

Rin's back straightened and his eyes narrowed. "Fight? You two fought? I can't imagine Makoto fighting with anyone unless they were... kicking puppies or something. What did you do?" 

"Me-!?" Haruka began, scandalized, then snapped his mouth shut. What did Haruka do, besides committing the crime of wanting to be left alone, of not wanting to think about the future, of finding out the only person in the world he cared about was leaving him and didn't even seem to care? Did Makoto even consider Haruka when he was making his stupid plans? Had he just been waiting for the moment he could get away from him?

Haruka's jaw clenched as he fought back tears. But Makoto hadn't told Rin about their argument. So when had he spoke to Rin? Why? Why did he act like he cared so much when he was just going to leave anyway?

Haruka's silence was enough to prompt Rin to continue. "Anyway, I don't know anything about a fight. Makoto asked me before the holidays. Said you were struggling and asked if I could help. Someone else was going to come with me but... you needed it more."

Haruka looked out onto the water, the still, calm surface promising him respite. "I told him he's always in everyone's business," Haruka murmured, trying to feel vindicated in his anger, in the vitriol he had unleashed on his best friend, but instead feeling a horrible, sinking dread in his gut. 

"... You said that? To Makoto?" Rin's voice was quiet, the surface of the water absorbing it before it had the chance to echo off the walls. "After everything he's done for you..."

"He was just like everyone else," Haruka said sharply, panic rising in his chest. "Telling me to make up my mind, to find a dream. I'll do things on my own time, my own way!" 

"But you're not! Why can't you get that?" Rin yelled, the water unable to catch his voice this time. "We don't care if you want to swim professionally or write shoujo manga or become a chef! We don't care about any of that, but you aren't _doing_ anything! And if you're losing your passion to swim then... what else do you have, Haruka? What else have you ever been passionate about??" Rin had turned toward Haruka, his shoulders stiff and his hands clenched. "Can't you see we're terrified of what will happen to you if you lose the one thing you love?"

"I'm already losing him!" Haruka yelled and dove into the water, not even aware of what he had just said.

But Rin had heard it. He picked up his phone as Haruka swam sloppy lap after sloppy lap and began a text message.

 

***

 

"Swim with me one more time."

"You'll win."

"Then I guess it's a good thing you don't swim to win anymore, right?" Rin countered with a shark-toothed grin and snapped his goggle strap against the back of his head.

Rin's old coach had been working with them all morning and while Rin was giving 100%, Haruka was only half invested. She seemed to have good recommendations, and Haruka could see Rin's stroke improve with even a few small adjustments, but Haruka's heart wasn't in it.

Then Rin demanded a real race between them. Haruka only agreed because he figured he owed Rin that much after bringing Haruka here. Haruka still wasn't sure how this trip was supposed to help him, but it was better than laying in his bed, feeling like he might actually die.

They stepped on their starting blocks and reached down, getting into position. The water shifted seductively before Haruka's eyes, careening like a well-muscled shoulder blade shifting under the skin. It entranced him, as it always did, like a lover beckoning to him, and when the whistle blew he dove easily in. He felt the pressure of the water rest on every curve of his body, holding him, supporting him. He could trust the water, the water won't ever leave him. Makoto's face flashed across Haruka's mind. _I have decided... and it wasn't you_. Those weren't his words, but that's what Haruka had heard. 

Haruka's arms and legs began to feel like dead weights and Rin began to pull ahead. Haruka didn't even care. _I would want you to find one_. Why couldn't Makoto understand Haruka was already living his dream: swimming with his friends, with Makoto, without any pressure from any outside force, free to swim for himself and only himself.

Haruka somersaulted in the water and his feet hit the wall. He propelled himself forward, his arms and legs still heavy, Rin a full body length ahead of him, uncatchable. What was the point in winning now? Makoto wasn't standing at the blocks, cheering him on, wouldn't hug him when he was done, wouldn't talk to him about the race on their walk home, wouldn't invite him over to play video games with Ren and Ran. Makoto had always been there, as sure as the water, but now that would all change.

Haruka felt his fingertips touch the wall and his kicking feet came to a stop, floating down to the bottom of the pool. He raised his head from the water and, as the water cascaded over his goggles and blurred his vision he swore for a moment he saw Makoto up there, his hand outstretched, ready to pull him out of the water.

And for a brief, hallucinatory second, Haruka felt his chest swell with happiness. But then his vision cleared, Makoto was gone, and a sudden tsunami of realization washed over him.

This. All off this. It was meaningless without Makoto.

Makoto and the water were one. When Haruka was forced to leave his sanctuary in water, it was Makoto who filled the void, who helped Haruka function in the world above the waves. Like the water, Makoto was always there, always waiting for him. Constant. Yielding.

Haruka's sudden need to see Makoto, to touch him, to make sure he was real and not gone made him want to claw at his own skin. He ripped the goggles and hair cap from his face and head and pulled himself out of the water. As he ran out of the pool hall he heard Rin's coach comment, "He doesn't like to lose, does he?"

"That's not it," Rin said with a shark-toothed smirk. "I think he's just figured out his future."

 

\--------------------

 

Makoto had paced back and forth between his house and the steps to Haruka's place so much over the last 30 minutes that he was surprised he hadn't worn a groove into the stone. Rin had texted Makoto about an hour ago, saying he'd dropped Haruka off at his house, and Makoto had spent the subsequent time not knowing what the hell to do. Should he wait for Haruka to invite him over? Should he just go over like he always did? Should he pretend like nothing was wrong, or should he try to talk to Haru about the fight?

When Makoto had asked Rin to help, he had no idea he'd take him to Australia for 5 days. Makoto had avoided Haruka's house the day after their argument and it wasn't until he'd gotten a text from Rin in the middle of the night that he discovered Haruka was currently thousands of kilometers away. 

_Did Haru text you to tell you I took him to Australia?_

_WHAT!?_

_That's what I thought. He told me you fought. Everything ok?_

_I don't know. Thank you for taking him. I hope it helps him. I'm out of ideas._

_I have a few. Don't worry, I'll bring him back in one piece._

Discovering that he hadn't even known that something so huge, so important, had happened to his best friend made Makoto feel even more disconnected from Haruka than the 8,000 kilometers separating them would suggest.

Makoto had spent the next 4 days wondering if he really could do it, if he could leave Haruka. He was in love with him - Makoto had known that for a few years now. It was one of the reasons he chose Tokyo; he needed to get over his best friend, and it seemed the only way he could do that was to put some distance between them. Seeing Haruka struggle with the idea of his future had made Makoto wonder if, maybe, Haruka's inability to decide was Makoto's fault. For years he'd taken care of Haruka - woke him up when it was time for school, reminded him when to get out of the bath, prodded him to go shopping when he saw he was running low on food. He'd spent time and energy learning to read Haruka, to interpret his body language so he could somehow connect with Haruka on his level. 

Maybe he'd spoiled Haruka. Everything Makoto did for him was in an effort to make Haruka more comfortable in his own skin, in the world around him. Haruka had always struggled socially, and Makoto had taken it upon himself to be Haruka's conduit to the world. Perhaps, subconsciously, Makoto had even hoped it would help Harkua fall in love with him, too. But Makoto had finally accepted that Haruka had one love: the water. Helplessly watching Haruka's struggle with so much uncertainty and fear over the last few months had ripped through Makoto’s core. So he chose Tokyo. Because no matter what he did, no matter how hard he had tried all these years to protect Haruka from the world, from himself, in the end the best thing he could do for Haruka was to remove the training wheels... and leave.

Without thinking, Makoto began climbing the stairs to Haruka's house. He had promised himself that he'd be friendly and polite but not overbearing, giving Haruka plenty of space in which to exist. He knocked on the door, and as he waited for a response, his resolve started to crumble. _Just leave, don't go in there, don't seek him out_. He needs to learn how to get out of the bath on his own. Makoto knocked again. Waited. Turned and looked at the stairs that would lead him back home...

A minute later Makoto was walking through the Nanase home, striding straight toward the washroom to pull Haruka from the tub, his resolve completely and utterly washed away. _This is why I can't stay_... But when Makoto pushed open the door the room was dark and empty, save Haruka's dry jammer resting over the edge of the tub. Makoto's heart begin to pound in his chest.

"Haru?" he called out, his voice travelling through the quiet house. He walked back out into the living room, checked the kitchen - but there was no mackerel cooking on the grill. He turned on his heel and all but ran through the house. "Haruka!" he shouted, before throwing the door to Haruka’s room open.

The room was dark, pale light filtering in through the blinds, but it was enough for Makoto to make out the lump in the bed. _The bed?_ Had Haruka caught a bug in Australia? "Haru?" he murmured, the panic in his voice melting away as he walked toward the bed, nearly tripping on Haruka's still-packed suitcase. As he neared the bed, he saw the sheets rising and falling with Haruka's breath and, finally, his heart began to calm in his chest. "You scared me," he whispered.

"I didn't think you'd come."

The voice that spoke from under the covers sounded raw, but not from illness. Makoto crossed his arms over his chest to keep from reaching out to Haruka. "Why wouldn't I?" he responded softly, knowing Haruka had assumed Makoto was never going to speak to him again after their fight. Which was a ridiculous thing to think. Yes, Haruka had said some hurtful things, but Makoto was wise enough to know that, even when you corner the most well-tempered cat, you shouldn't be surprised if they show their claws and you get scratched. "How was your trip? Did you get sick?"

"You can't leave."

Makoto stopped breathing for a moment, his heart hoping for a confession, his brain knowing Haruka was just resisting change.

"It wasn't an easy choice, Haru," Makoto's voice was gentle, despite his racing heart. "But I think in the end it'll be good for both of us to get out, see the world, meet new people."

"I just went out and saw the world. It was missing something."

"Mackerel?" Makoto joked.

"You." Haruka's voice was muffled by the blankets that covered his face, but that word was unmistakable. Makoto's heart hopped into his throat.

"I'm... I'm sorry I couldnt be there. But you needed to get away, clear your head, try to find a dream without the rest of us holding you back." _Without me holding you back_.

"Idiot," Haruka hissed. Makoto could hear his impassive mask crumbling. "You're it. You're my dream." Haruka's body curled tightly into a fetal position, pulling the covers around him. "Everything is worthless without you."

Makoto abruptly lost the ability to hear anything. He wasn't sure if Haruka had kept talking, but it was as though he was suddenly suspended in a vacuum and soundwaves couldn't travel to him. He looked down at the body in front of him, curled and vulnerable, and lifted up the blanket. Without a word he crawled under the covers and spooned Haruka, wrapping his arm around him and pressing his face into Haruka's neck. Makoto closed his eyes and inhaled. He smelled like shampoo and chlorine. He felt Haruka's body tense, then relax and push back into him, and it was all Makoto could do to keep his heart inside his body. 

Makoto wasn't sure how long they remained like that, not speaking, but finally it was Makoto who broke the silence.

"Why didn't you say anything before?" he asked, his breath expanding across Haruka’s neck.

"You weren’t there to pull me out of the water. I didn’t realize it until then... You were always here... but in Australia..." Haruka stopped talking and remained still. Makoto thought of the proverb, ‘You never realize what you have until it’s gone’. “I’ve been selfish toward you. I’m sorry.” 

Haruka’s voice was hushed. Makoto pressed his forehead into the back of his neck.

“No, Haru. I’m the selfish one. It’s my fault you can’t decide. If I hadn’t smothered you, maybe it would all be easier for you.” 

Haruka moved, turning under Makoto’s arm. When Makoto finally saw Haruka's face, he saw his deep blue eyes were swollen and rimmed red.

"What are you talking about?" Haruka asked, his brows coming together as he searched Makoto's face. It was the first time Makoto had considered that Haruka had been reading his body language just as often as Makoto read his.

"I... wanted to do everything for you, be everything for you, but I can't find your dream for you. I can't decide your future for you."

"I just told you. You're my dream." Haruka didn't even flinch as he spoke the words and Makoto was grateful for the dim light, because his face was heating up.

"I just... I don't know what that means, Haru. I don't know... what you need me to do, to be your dream. I don't know if I can do it." Makoto wanted to look away, but their faces were so close; there was nowhere to look but straight into Haruka's eyes. And his gaze was focused, clear.

"Just you. As you are. Having someone like that in my life... that's my dream." Haruka lifted his hand to Makoto's cheek and Makoto felt Haruka's lips pressing against his own. At first he didn't dare kiss back, afraid this was some kind of joke or dream, but then Haruka's fingers were winding into his hair and tugging gently as if to say, _kiss me back, stupid_ , so Makoto let himself go.

He pulled Haruka's body into his, his hand pressing into the small of Haruka's back, and he opened his mouth just slightly. Haruka's breath hitched against his own, and a small moan escaped Makoto's throat. Haruka's fingers curled in Makoto's hair, sending a chill down his neck. It felt... right. When Makoto had allowed himself to fantasize about kissing Haruka in the past, he'd always wondered if it might feel wrong, like kissing his brother. But in reality, it felt like coming home to a lover after a long, long trip; new, but familiar.

When they finally broke away, Haruka's breath was heavy, and Makoto wondered if he'd forgotten to breathe. Makoto took his hand from Haruka's back and cupped the side of Haruka's neck, letting his thumb brush over his ear lobe. Haruka closed his eyes and grabbed Makoto's hand, stilling it so he could press his lips against the veins that pulsed on the inside of his wrist.

They didn't speak for a while, instead enjoying each other's body heat in silence. In a way, Makoto was afraid the sound of a human voice would shatter this moment, this reality where Haruka returned Makoto's feelings. Makoto inhaled deeply, then curled into Haruka, burrowing his face against Haruka's clavicle. He felt Haruka press his cheek to his hair, and he could've sworn he was inhaling his scent.

"When you said you were going to Tokyo," Haruka finally broke the silence, and Makoto was happy to find he had been wrong about the power of the human voice. "I was confused... I just thought we'd stay together after graduation. No other alternative was a possibility. Then in Australia, I realized why the thought of you leaving terrified me." Makoto closed his eyes and pulled in closer to Haruka. "And where did all that stuff about smothering come from? You never smothered me. Sometimes, I stayed in the bath too long... because I knew you'd come and pull me out."

Makoto pulled his face from Haruka's chest and smiled at him. "I don't think I've ever heard you say so much at once, Haru-chan."

Haruka's lips instantly turned into a pout, and Makoto could've sworn Haruka was blushing. "Shut up."

"So... what now?" Makoto asked the inevitable question.

"What do you mean?" Haruka asked, a puzzled look on his face.

"I mean, Tokyo..."

"I'm going with you... if you'll let me." Haruka said the first part as if it was the most obvious answer in the world... then hesitated. Makoto’s eyes went wide. He had been expecting Haruka to ask him to stay in Iwatobi, and he was already making a note to look up the local college once he got home.

"Of course I'd let you! Is that what you were so upset about earlier?"

Haruka didn't say anything and averted his gaze to Makoto's adam's apple. "I thought... maybe you wanted to get away from me."

Makoto's chest tightened. "That's the opposite of what I wanted... I just thought what I wanted was irrelevant." Makoto paused and Haruka's eyes met his again. "Are you going to try for a university in Tokyo?"

"Yes. You'll have to tell me what schools you're considering so I can see if they have Marine Biology programs."

Makoto's jaw dropped. "Marine Biology? That's great! But I mean, I've never heard you mention any interest in that..."

"Mm," Haruka nodded, "Rin took me scuba diving along the Great Barrier Reef. If it weren't for you, I might still be there."

Makoto grinned. "You must've really loved it."

"Mm," Haruka nodded again. "With an air tank I can stay underwater for almost an hour. Did you realize that was possible?"

Makoto actually laughed out loud, then laughed even harder when he saw Haruka's confused look. "So _that's_ your motivation," He slipped one arm under Haruka's body, wrapped his free arm around his back, and rolled Haruka on top of him in one quick twist.

"Makoto!"

Makoto raised his head and kissed Haruka again. "Remind me to kiss Rin the next time I see him," Makoto said with a grin.

Haruka frowned. "I'd rather remind you to drain the pool."

Makoto laughed again, and the corners of Haruka's mouth curved into a smile.


End file.
